my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
