an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
