When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
