Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize