theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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