can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
