never play flip cup with pint glasses
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
