these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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