My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
