Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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