I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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