Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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