we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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