Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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