that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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