FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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