Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
