so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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