I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
