Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
