I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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