I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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