i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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