I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
