he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
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Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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