Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
