Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
