I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
