The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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