Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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