Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
