i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
