If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
