I will die if light touches me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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