remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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