The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
