Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
