You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize