I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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