Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
