last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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