LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
