Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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