A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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