i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
