Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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