She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
