apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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