what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
