hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
