she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
