you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well you can't waste a boner
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
