Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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