Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
