your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex