Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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