I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize