My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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