Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
