I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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