I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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